I say that b/c it is strange for me. I am by nature a sitter/waiter/rester/ponderer, but I have not been that since June 14, 2013. July 28, 2014 I kicked it up a notch and went into turbo gear. I find it hard to rest, and even if I'm sitting, I am simultaneously thinking of a). what I should be doing with the house/dinner/laundry/babies/etc., b). which Pintrest project that (*darnit) I just need to try, and/or c). what I can/should/must be doing (better) to help those around me that I know are hurting or burdened or needy. And lastly, I'm trying desperately not to think of the 1,000,001 things I have to do at work.
So lately I am not very good at sitting/waiting/resting/pondering.
Feelings that I have been feeling lately (like a drifter bobbing in a rift tide, as my feelings pull me up and down):
sad.
hopeless.
striving without gain.
burdened.
ineffective.
empty.
lonely.
tied down.
unproductive.
exhausted.
(exhausted.)
A couple weeks ago I found myself feeling downright depressed. My bff calls this "the sads." Ughh. I hate the sads.
Directly correlated: my complete and utter lack of time spent in the Word.
Geesh.
I. Can't. Do. This. (Can I get a witness?)
Today we sang and we talked about Joy. It was like water to a parched soul and salve to an open wound.
I have this constant churning in my heart, especially lately, that there is purpose for me and plans that God has for my life. Part of those plans (obviously) include the seasons and things that I am in now. But I have this irritation in my bones that there is more, and that God is molding/preparing me for something specific that he has planned for me.
I wish I knew what that was.
I've spent the past decade and a half saying "Yes Lord," "Use me," "I'm Yours," "Where You go I will follow," but I'm finding more recently my heart is crying out "I'm scared," or "I'm coming, please wait a little longer," or "I don't know where I'm supposed to go, or what I'm supposed to do."
Fear.
If you let it, it trumps Joy.
Here's what illuminated my hope today:
"And I will call upon your name, And keep my eyes above the waves,
When oceans rise, My soul will rest in Your embrace,
For I am Yours, and You are mine." (Hillsong United)
"And I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, With arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all,
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered,
All I am is Yours." (I don't remember who wrote that but the song is called The Stand. Google it. It's really good.)
1.) I was reminded today that I don't need to do anything.
Whatever God has planned for my life, I will only get there by calling on Him, and keeping my eyes on Him instead of the waves in my life. (Duh, Becky. Duh. *Sigh.)
I thought of Exodus 14:14- The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
I am so bad at that. Why is it so hard for me to be still? Why is it so hard for me to let the Lord fight my battles for me? Why is it so hard to wait, and see where he is leading? I find myself wanting to charge ahead, or collapse in a ball of fear as I have convince myself that I will not prevail at whatever is coming at me.
2.) I was reminded again that I can find Joy in alllllll my circumstances.
Here's a thought: Why do we connect our concept of joy to the idea of "having it all together," or not needing or wanting anything? Why do we find that the minute something goes wrong (big or small) our joy goes running out the window? When did we decide that happiness is equated with the white picket fence with the family dog and 2.5 kids?
Acts 2:25
‘I saw the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
26Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest in hope,
27because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
you will not let your holy one see decay.
28You have made known to me the paths of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence.’e
This kinda sums up all the churning in my soul. There are a million things going on around me that I cannot control or keep up with. There are schedules to keep and groceries to get (seriously, who has time for that??), and meals to plan (don't even get me started), and diapers to change, and **seriously??** with the changing season it's time to get shoes that will fit little feet, and pants that will keep little legs warm, and diapers. So many diapers. And lists. And an eternal array of cheerios on the floor. (I swear, if I step on one more cheerio today...) And somewhere in there I'm supposed to get up and go to work every day, and then come home and put my wife hat on. And then, somehow, I'm supposed to know and follow and do whatever God has set on my heart like a pebble in my shoe that won't go away, reminding me there is more.
Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.
It is easy for me to focus on the chaos instead of focusing on the peace and the silence and the rest and Joy in the center of the storm. That said, I am tired of finding myself in the same place year after year. And it has occurred to me that I will constantly be colliding with the waves crashing over me if I can't find and stay in the one place that will move me.
The Eye of the Hurricane.
The calm in the midst of the storm.
The presence of Jesus.
Peace.
Hope.
Fruitfulness.
Wisdom.
Strength.
Perseverance.
Joy.
