I opened my bible app (I have one that gives me a new verse every morning, you should get one too) and my verse of the day was Psalm 23:1 "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want."
Hmmm. I groggily started to press the "get a new verse" button. I stopped, though, and read it again.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
It's an easy one to skip over, I've read it a thousand times. Heard it. Sung it. Prayed it. But I decided not to skip it today. I sat with it for a while.
Lord, do I believe this verse? Do I live out this verse? I sat and talked it out with Him for a moment. Conclusion: Nope, I definitely don't live out this verse. Not right now. Not in this season.
I want a lot. A LOT. There are lots of things to want. To "need."
Lately, here is what I've been wanting: My house to be done. My house to be in order. Places set, pictures hung, construction finished, walls painted, bedrooms configured, boxes unpacked, lost items found, D.O.N.E., done. My list is just about a mile long, and every item on it is a "one thing at a time" job.
I want things in place. I want things secured. I want to feel secured. Hmmm. I want to feel like I don't have a million balls in the air I am trying to juggle. I keep telling myself that I don't feel like I can rest until the house is done. I keep telling myself that I feel out of control b/c there is "so much to do."
So we talked about that, briefly, He and I.
And then I thought about life, and how it really isn't ever in control, not matter how much one might try to accomplish "control." It was definitely a coaching experience this morning; Him coaching me...
Here I am, once again, in the same spot. Wanting things and events and experiences to satisfy something in me that only He can satisfy. When will I ever learn?
I thought about life- my life specifically,-and how the things that I planned and wanted to accomplish have not turned out the way I expected. Let's be honest, 15-year-old-me thought that at this point I'd have at least a dozen grammy's sitting on my bookshelf. 20-year-old-me thought I'd be a career woman- or at the very least be using my degree- and be awesome at it. Ha! God has a funny way of taking you where you didn't plan to go.
I say this, because I have been very intentional about following where He led. I don't regret any of the steps I've taken. I guess I've just been surprised at the where's and the how's along the way, as He has ordered my days and seasons.
Lots of growing time I didn't know I needed.
So as I pondered and we talked this morning, He and I, I realized the constant wanting, and all the unexpected twists and turns are there for a reason.
I'm going to say this, and you're doing to think, duh, but I will say it anyway:
When I/we are satisfied, we are not looking to be satisfied.
It's so simple, and yet so QUICKLY forgotten.
If I magically (or not) had my house done, I would be content enjoying me, myself, and I.
(P.S. I'm sorry I keep obsession over my house, it's just my hangup right now. We all have hangups. I'll have a new one when I'm done being hung up over this. But seriously, my point is, there always seems to be something that I'm not satisfied with, or that has been a struggle, and I think that is purposeful.)
Anyway, if I didn't have any problems or to-dos, I would sit around enjoying my "awesome life." We do it all the time- also known as the American Dream. "Build your life." Get the white picket fence and all the pretty shiny things and you will be happy. And we are happy. Sort of.
What I'm trying to say is two-fold.
- We get super self-obsessed and have a tendency to want to live in our shell, not looking to the needs/hurts/burdens of others.
- Sometimes - always?- our idea of happiness, or our "awesome life" can cave in on us. The things we think will make us happy/comforted/in control... don't.
It's easy for me to get wrapped up in making my house Pintrest ready, or cooking new recipes that have my husband asking for more instead of inserting his own cooking tips. It's easy to work myself to the bone- literally, all my bones and muscles hurt- trying to get the house tidied up after a tornado of toddlers tear through every last inch and pull out every last toy. It's so easy to try to "adult," probably out of fear, not wanting to collapse under the weight of every last thing that HAS to be done. I can get obsessive. Scary Becky comes out. And then my husband says something like "why aren't you being nice to me?" after I didn't skip over and give him a kiss on the cheek when he walked in the door because I was simultaneously trying to get dinner on and feed the children while two of them are screaming in the other room- one because her sleeve got pushed too far up her arm and she couldn't get it back down- and it makes me want to rip him a new one.
Whew. I feel better getting that out.
My point is, we were not created to be satisfied or comforted by anything this life has to offer us. Honestly, when we try to find satisfaction or comfort in things or events or titles, you name it, they have a funny way of not doing the one thing we want them to do. They have a way of unravelling on us.
Intentionally so.
Why? Not because God is out to get you or me, but because we were created to be satisfied by Him. (I got to church and the sermon was exactly on this topic. Ha! Yes Lord, I'm listening.)
He reminded me again today that the struggles we go through, and the feelings of discomfort or discontentment, are there to keep us looking to Him for our satisfaction and our need.
The house will still stand, the food will still be edible, the children will still be cute without a lick of clothes on and applesauce in their hair. I don't need anything. And I don't need my house to be "done," in order for me to feel content or in control. I do need to focus on Him, his plans, and the joy/satisfaction that He gives.
He is in control. Are you sure, Becky?
It is easy for our brain to play tricks on us.
I did a psych test a long time ago, and they had me draw a picture of a house. They pointed out that my drawing did not have a foundation (the house looked like it was floating on the page). They said that was symbolic of feeling ungrounded or uncentered or unstable or out of control. Something like that.
It is in my nature to want to feel grounded. It is in our nature to survive and to live at peace and at rest. I keep thinking back to that picture, as I have come to realize that the only foundation that I will ever have to my "house" or my life or my sanity is in God.
I have nothing, at the end of the day. I don't put the breath in my lungs, I can't control the events of my day or the people around me, and I certainly don't get to decide what tomorrow will bring. I don't get to control anything, except my will to keep going and to keep seeking His face.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. There is not one thing I need that he won't provide. My job is to remember that He provides so I can go about and do His will, and fulfill His purposes for me. Truth: doing this will bring me joy and satisfaction and security and peace.
Hmmm. Ok. Off to it.
