Things My Children Are Teaching Me: Crayon on the Wall, Part 2

So I'm chronicling a moment I had with my eldest a few years back, when she was about 2 and a half, and she got up one morning before me and grabbed a crayon and drew all over my dining room wall.  You can read Part 1 of that saga here.   

What I'm parcelling out are the parallels between her precious toddler heart and my heart as I proceed on this journey to know and understand God.  

This picture, of my small child jumping at the chance to follow her own free will, continues to press on me.

Had Elin asked me if it was ok to color on the walls, I would have said "No, but..."  

No, it is not ok to color on walls, but, it is ok to color on paper.

The problem wasn't that she was coloring, but that she was acting on her desire to color in a way that I was not ok with. 

The fact that she was coloring was great- I love that she wanted to color.  I want to encourage her to color as often as she wants to, and I hope that coloring will spur her on to other creative outlets. That being said, she still has to color within the boundaries I set for her.

Why?  Whyyyyyyyy, she might ask.  Why can't she be free to just express herself, and explore her heart, and her abilities, and her destiny?  What if my boundaries would stifle her, and keep her from reaching her potential, or worse, from figuring out who she really is?

Welp.

Because creating art on my dining room wall is just not ok.

This is simple stuff.  This is obvious.  But, is it?  It seems like such a no-brainer that crayon on the wall is not appropriate. But in this scenario, I can see the big picture, and E can't.  

It is so obvious to me that E should not color on my walls, but in that moment it was not obvious to E- and hear me on this: we do this with God so often.  

We can't see the big picture, we don't see the obvious, so we go about doing whatever we feel led or inspired to do.

And God says, no, or not right now, or not that way, and we get... frustrated. 

We get confused.  We get to feeling like God doesn't love us, or isn't taking care of us, or doesn't have our best interest at heart.  Honest to goodness, I can get to going on something, or I get to dreaming about something, and I fully expect God to support and praise my efforts. 

After all, it is He who inspired me in the first place, isn't it?  Is it? 

When He doesn't support my efforts and plans- because sometimes He doesn't- sometimes I get confused. Sometimes I get angry, frustrated, and impatient...  Sometimes, I don't understand why God would say no, or not now, or not that way.

We so easily put ourselves in the same spot Elin found herself in.  

We come and go as we please, we buy as we please, we order our lives as we please, and it is so easy to do all these things without first saying, "Lord, is this what you want?  Is it ok that I do this in this way?"  

We give the big things to Him. Usually. We might say things like, "Is this the person you want me to marry?" or, "What career do you want me to pursue?"  Big things.  We might even ask God to bless and direct the work that we are doing. Sometimes. 

But even if we are asking about the big things, it is easy to forget all the other times, and all the other moments, and all the other decisions. 

"What did you want me to say or do in this situation, Lord?," should be a constant whispered prayer of ours.  

"What were You planning to do with my day? What kind of plans did You have with my money? What steps do You want this season of my life to take?"

Asking these questions, and breathing these prayers day in and day out puts us in a posture to listen and learn, rather than in a position where we charge ahead hoping that we are on-target and God will bless our outcome.

Right now, in this season, and in last season, and the season before, God is lathering this lesson on me like a thick salve on a gaping wound.  I keep wanting to wipe the salve away.  I keep wanting to forget this lesson.  I wrote most of these words months ago, and yet, I am realizing I need them now more than I needed them then.  I keep wanting to charge ahead, to sprint out the gate, and the Lord keeps saying wait.  

I grit my teeth and I hold my breath for a long time.  Sometimes tears are involved.  And then I take a long slow breath, and look back up, and say "What were you planning with this?  Help me understand."

"Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, THAT HE UNDERSTANDS AND KNOWS ME, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, declares the Lord." 

Jeramiah 9:23-24